I have been trying to type this out for a few days. I get through a couple paragraphs, then I realize that I can’t write for shit, and I delete it all.

I really just want to introduce myself, explain what my long-term goals are of having a blog I post to.

My name is Mersades, I have quite a few nicknames, and I basically hate them all. I will be twenty-four this year, in the fall. I am a single mother to a beautiful little eighth month old.

And I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Every day is a new day, a new struggle, a new trigger to overcome.

Before I was pregnant, I was in a long, committed relationship. During the relationship I had a lot of struggle with past trauma, as well as added new trauma.

Turns out I’m not just Bi-Polar with Anxiety and Depression.

I feel emotions a lot stronger than most other people. If someone words something the wrong way, I feel like I am getting attacked. I get defensive. Small things trigger me and I get overwhelmed with an anger that makes me feel not myself. I put people on pedestals that they didn’t even earn, I do everything I can to make their life better. I bow. And I give.

I become so empathic that someone comes to me with their problems, and I feel with all of my body, what they feel.

When I got pregnant, I wasn’t happy. I was scared, I was overwhelmed. Sick all the time, hurting, uncomfortable. It was a horrible situation that made me miserable. I felt all kinds of emotions, all at once. I’m such surges that I wanted to kill us both. I just wanted to give up, I didn’t want to bring a child into a sick world. Not this way.

However, I have strong beliefs against abortion. I took that belief, and I held on to it. I kept telling myself that my borderline disorder is what put me in that situation, making it my fault. I did it. That baby was mine, it wasn’t his fault. He deserved the best chance I could provide, felt as though that was what I owed him. Bringing him into a place like this, with a person like me.

I have spent the last eight months working on myself. I learned when to hold my tongue, not react. Remind myself that the feeling that I am feeling is irrational, I need to calm down. I remove myself from a situation, if not physically then emotionally. Every single day, my child teaches me something new about myself, and gives me reason to push to learn to control my disorder.

I know I will never be 100%, but I want to be a person that is worthy of my child. Worthy of maybe a man or woman someday.

I want to love me. Every single day, I am closer to loving me. I drown outta the voices, I push things away, I openly discuss when something is bothering me, so that I don’t black out. I don’t harbor hard feelings, I learn to live and let go.

A part of me hopes that I can help other people do the same, maybe touch someone with my story. My demons. My rewarding experiences.